How to talk to children about death, and protect their future

Children notice more than we think. When someone dies, they feel the change in the house even if no one explains it. Talking about death won't make a child more scared. Silence usually does.

This guide covers two things. First, how to talk to a child about death and support them through grief. Second, what you can do now so your children are looked after if something happens to you.

How do I tell a child that someone has died?

Choose a quiet moment and a familiar place, sit at their level, and keep it short and true. Use the word "died". Gentler phrases like "we lost Grandpa" or "she went to sleep" can confuse children, and some start to fear going to sleep or wonder why no one is looking for the person.

It helps to explain what dying means, for example: "When someone dies, their body stops working. They can't breathe, eat or feel pain anymore, and they can't come back." Say how it happened simply. "Mum was very sick and the medicine couldn't make her better" is enough for a young child, while older children may want more detail.

Young children sometimes believe a thought or an argument caused the death, so tell them clearly that nothing they did or said made it happen. And let them see your feelings. It's okay to cry in front of them. It shows that sadness is normal and safe to share.

What can children understand at different ages?

Every child is different, but this is a rough guide:

• Under 5: they may not understand that death is permanent. Expect the same questions again and again ("When is Nana coming back?"), and answer gently each time.
• Ages 5 to 9: they start to understand that death is final, and may worry that you or they will die too. Honest, simple answers to their direct questions help.
• Ages 10 to 12: they understand death much like adults do, and may hide their feelings to protect you. Check in, even when they seem fine.
• Teenagers: they may turn to friends more than family, or show grief as anger or withdrawal. Keep the door open without pushing.

What does grief look like in children?

Children often grieve in short bursts. They can be sad one minute and want to play the next. That's normal, not a sign they don't care.

You might notice trouble sleeping or wanting to sleep in your bed, acting younger than their age, tummy aches or headaches, anger or trouble at school, or lots of questions, or none at all.

How can I support a grieving child?

Keeping routines going, like school, meals and bedtime, gives children a sense of safety when so much else has changed. Explain what a funeral is like, then let them choose whether to go and how to say goodbye. Drawing a picture, writing a letter or choosing a song are all lovely ways to take part.

Let their school or childcare know, so teachers can watch for changes and give them space when they need it. Keep the person's memory alive by looking at photos, sharing stories and using their name, because children often fear forgetting. And look after yourself too. Children cope better when the adults around them are supported.

Get extra help if your child's grief stays very intense for months, if they talk about wanting to die, or if they stop eating, sleeping or going to school. Your GP is a good first step.

Where can children and families get support?

• Kids Helpline (ages 5 to 25): 1800 55 1800 (24 hours)
• Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24 hours)
• Griefline: 1300 845 745
• 13YARN (for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people): 13 92 76

What happens to my children if I die?

This is the question most parents put off. It's hard to think about. But a little planning now can save your children a lot of uncertainty later.

If both parents die and there's no Will naming a guardian, there's no automatic answer about who raises your children. Family members may need to apply to the court for parenting orders, and relatives can disagree. While this is sorted out, your children may not know where they'll live.

There's also money to think about. Without a Will, your estate is shared under your state's rules. Money left to children under 18 is usually managed for them until they're adults, but you won't have chosen who manages it or how it can be used.

How can a Will protect my children?

A Will is the single most important document for parents. It lets you:

• Name a guardian: the person you'd trust to raise your children. Talk to them first, and name a backup in case they can't do it.
• Choose who manages their money: a trustee to look after what you leave until your children are older.
• Decide when they receive it: many parents choose an age older than 18, like 21 or 25, so money is used for school, housing and the things that matter.
• Name an executor: the person who sorts out your estate, so your guardian can focus on your children.

A Will doesn't cover everything. Superannuation and life insurance are usually paid to the people you nominate with the fund, so update those nominations too.

Gaia's online Will builder is designed for Australian families. It walks you through naming guardians, executors and who receives what, in plain language.

Why do my important documents need to be easy to find?

A Will only helps if someone can find it. After a death, families often spend weeks searching for papers, passwords and account details while caring for grieving children.

It helps to keep everything in one secure place: your Will and where the signed original is kept, your guardian's details and any notes about your children's care, their medical information, school details and routines, your insurance and super details, and any letters or messages for your children.

Gaia's private vault keeps your documents and wishes encrypted in one place. You choose who can access them, and access is only released after a person on our team has reviewed the request.

Can I leave something personal for my children?

Yes, and many parents find this the most meaningful part of planning. A letter, a recorded message or a box of keepsakes can give a child something to hold onto. You don't need the perfect words. Tell them what you love about them, what you hope for them, and that they were never alone.

Common questions

Should children go to the funeral?

If they want to, yes. Explain what will happen beforehand, and have a trusted adult with them who can step out if they need a break.

What if my child doesn't seem sad?

That's common. Children often grieve in waves, and feelings can show up weeks or months later. Keep checking in.

Can I name a guardian if I'm a single parent?

Yes. Naming a guardian in your Will tells the court and your family who you trust. If the other parent is alive, they will usually still have parental responsibility, so it's worth getting legal advice for your situation.

Do I need a lawyer to name a guardian?

Not always. A simple Will that names a guardian can be done online. If your family situation is complex, a solicitor can help.

Is a Will made online legally valid in Australia?

Yes. What makes a Will valid isn't who typed it, it's how it's signed. You must be over 18 and of sound mind, the Will must be in writing, and you must sign it in front of two adult witnesses who are present at the same time and who also sign it. Your witnesses shouldn't be beneficiaries or their partners.

Can my partner and I make our Wills together?

Yes. Couple's Wills builds two separate, mirrored Wills, one for each of you, in the same session. Most couples leave everything to each other first, then to their children, but you can each choose differently if you'd rather. You each sign your own document with your own witnesses.