How to talk to someone who has had a miscarriage

A miscarriage is the loss of a baby, and of the future the family had started to imagine. Many people grieve deeply, even if few people knew about the pregnancy. If someone you love is going through this, you don't need perfect words. You just need to show up.

How do I start the conversation?

Keep it simple and honest. For example: "I'm so sorry about your baby. I'm thinking of you." Clear words tell them you aren't afraid of their loss.

If they gave their baby a name, use it. Many parents worry that their baby will be forgotten. Hearing the name can mean a lot.

What can I say?

• "I'm so sorry."
• "I'm thinking of you both."
• "You don't have to talk, but I'm here if you want to."
• "Would you like company, or some space today?"
• "I'm dropping off dinner tonight. You don't need to answer the door."
• "Would you like to tell me about your baby?"

What should I avoid saying?

Some common phrases can hurt, even when people mean well:

• "At least it was early."
• "At least you know you can get pregnant."
• "It wasn't meant to be."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "You can always try again."

These can make it sound like the loss isn't real. It is.

What practical help actually helps?

• Bring a meal, or send a food delivery.
• Help with other children, pets or errands.
• Send a message on hard dates, like the due date.
• Give something that lasts, like preserved flowers, if fresh flowers feel too short-lived. Browse sympathy flowers →

Do partners grieve too?

Yes. Partners often feel they need to be the strong one, and their grief can be overlooked. Ask them how they're going too. Give them the same care and patience.

Why might grief come back later?

Grief after a miscarriage can return around:

• The original due date
• Mother's Day or Father's Day
• Pregnancy or birth announcements from friends
• Medical appointments or hospital visits

A short message like "Thinking of you today" can mean a lot.

Where can families get support in Australia?

• Red Nose Grief and Loss: 1300 308 307
• Sands (miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death): 1300 072 637
• Pink Elephants Support Network: pinkelephants.org.au
• Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24 hours)

Common questions

How long should I keep checking in?

Longer than you might expect. Many people find the months after, and the due date, are the hardest.

Should I mention the baby, or wait for them to?

Gently mentioning the baby is usually welcome. Follow their lead on how much to talk about it.

What if they haven't told me directly?

You might say, "I heard, and I'm so sorry. I'm here whenever you want to talk." Then let them decide.